Hey Mom!

i'm trying so hard not to lie
because i love you and i cannot speak of it
because you are why i am here, at all
because you're my mother.
yet there is an ocean between us
nothing like a river, that could be crossed easily
it's vast, it's dangerous, it's everything on the line here
and in which most of it, you have given me.

will you ever forgive me?
see with your eyes, who your daughter truly is
listen with your ears, when i explain myself and not cry
and touch me with your hands, that everything is ok and that nothing has changed
not too much anyway.

was i part of your plan, the child you wanted?
were the seemingly endless days when you carried me worth it?
or have i just ruin everything, dashed your dreams because you tell yourself it's not worth it?
there must be a list of things you rather be doing
than sitting with me, and my broken arm when i was a kid
you would probably be working.
who am i kidding?
you were always working
for me, and my brother, the family

you have raised me right, mom
equally flawed as i could be right
and you have raised me never to lie,
yet your policy has always been to hide, and spin stories and excuses that portrayed you and your doings in the best of light
i could never pity you or even try to offer sympathy in your plight
i had to fight to not resent or even hate you
for the plight you have reduced yourself in, had been in the name of indecisiveness, senselessness and blindness

we hardly ever talk now
i couldn't even stand being with you in the same room, breathing the same air, with guilt and imcompetence as thick as bullet-proof glass panels locking us in our little suffocating space
we could see each other but we could never touch
words and body language could only do so much

i resented with my guts the way things are
i envy, when i see girls with their mothers, happy and locking hands, discussing about the latest fashion or her last relationship with a jerk in which you gals had tea over
i yearn
to be close to you like i used to be in your womb
i desire to call you mom and actually like it
but i cannot

i have the worst temper, and the worst sense in finances and figures, genes i've no doubt i inherited wholesale from you, mother
i looked like you when you were younger, the uncanny resemblance that warmed my heart, even for just a second
and who knows, i might actually get that photo of you tattooed
i may never be the daughter you wanted
but you will always be my mother.

sometimes i wish i was never here, never your daughter
merely a stranger on the streets you would have easily forgotten
sometimes i wish you knew me
no, every single day actually
that i enjoy writing, music, tattoos, late silent nights and women
and that I've actually for once in my short life, has tasted real love and real loss
and how it was never my intention to make you mad or work up a senseless argument over whatever
i could never hurt you
but you can and easily.

what is gonna happen in the time to come?
no one knows and perhaps, no one has the time of day to care
but i've drawn us a pretty picture
in which in my absence, you will be at your most comfortable and happiest
i could be following a dusty man-made path down to somewhere and you could be raising my brother's kids and yelling at his wife for not doing certain thing right
most of all, you will be happy, with daddy.
and i would be too.
i hope

A chapter closed and like the colors of this photo, the surrealism of this notion has sunk in and slipped out.

忽然心一阵好痛
似乎是因又想起你的脸
今天和朋友不知觉谈起了你和以往曾有过的旧回忆
我脸上不禁微笑了起来
心里却不知为何像是被生锈的刀片反复猛割一样痛
其实现在的我过得还不错
也没什么好抱怨的
只是偶尔想起你时， 心脏就会好像被人开了几枪血流不止

这感觉虽不好受但也因已习惯了就不会刻意将它摆脱
最近这感觉突然消失了
真叫我措手不及
霎时间我迷失了方向
中心点不见了
连自己是谁都不知道
这比被人连捅几刀还更难受

好多事不明白的我只能一直往前走，坚信有奇迹这回事
或许走着走着我们又会在另一个国度相遇相爱
朋友教我学着忘记失去的痛苦而是珍惜曾有过的美好
她说你不仅没离开过
还在我心里盖了一座永恒城堡住在里面
大声喊着“这辈子我跟定你了!”

人类的心脏大脑真是奇妙
没什么是装不下的
也没什么是好强求的
只要是真的就会一直存在着

偶尔是间图书馆，任人随时取出清晰画面
偶尔像是间24小时便利商店尽心地满足所有简单或奢侈欲望
现在的我只希望住在我心里的你是快乐满足的
就像从前那样
那里的世界也是平静绚丽的

"Liesl, I haven't thought about you in (insert number of days). You should be glowing with pride. I took that route today, after my exams, after whatever was going on. The one where you left me, by my high school. It's under renovation right now. I stood by the traffic lights, teary-eyed yet so determined to follow the rule, looked my left and right and crossed like a good child but I couldn't. I couldn't wait for it. But you did. You waited, so patiently.

I miss you, but it's of a good kind, you know. I Love You. Still do. Will always do and you have a place in my heart, so huge you could never fathom. If it were real land, you could build a nation on it. I wanna move on so bad. I wanna think about you and your goodness without the rage and loss. I wanna love you again and myself. I think the mechanics are working pretty well in my head..and hopefully, it'll keep up its glorious work and keep those thoughts away. You're still here. I know you are."

下过雨后 我大口吸着清新空气
今天以后 要努力做全新的自已
过了限期 不再可伶兮兮
承认你已经 从我的世界走出去

回家的路 我梦见一望无际花海
真的感激 又看得见大自然美丽
不再哭泣 才能够看得清晰
我真的懂了 再也不会自暴自弃

再见过去 我们的足迹
相信印记将随时间淡去
那段相遇 心动 热恋 分离 我不会否定
因为它是我成长的日记

下过雨后 我大口吸着清新空气
今天以后 要努力做 全新的自已
不再哭泣 才能够看得清晰
我真的懂了 再也不会自暴自弃

再见过去 我们的足迹
相信印记将随时间淡去
那段相遇 心动 热恋 分离 我不会否定
因为它是我成长的日记

最后一次回头看才明白
原来伤心是旅程中必须经过的小镇
离开后 我更勇敢
再见过去 再见我和你
勇敢说再见就有勇气继续
会有 新的发现 新的经历 新谱的恋曲 原来我喜欢 这样的自已

© 黄湘怡, Stella 狂想曲 ~ Track 3, 再见过去 ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2P2ZmVsWN4

Cold Mountain

"Guns are never useful

Oh god, that blue, it must have been painful

So very, very painful.

It was all written in her eyes

The truth reflected in the water down the good lady's well

Crows, black and noisy ones, and snow

Love has come home

He has.

The night before,

When a baby girl could have been born

They will keep playing it, the songs

Especially in the cold

"I'll marry you, I'll marry you, I'll marry you"

"I'll marry you, I'll marry you, I'll marry you"

Now they knew the journey was not all for naught

If only they could say the same about the war

One can only dare hope..."

I just caught Cold Mountain on TV a while ago and it was good film for those who and never gave up, despite the circumstances and in your face people. It is also largely about friendship and support, and kindness. It's not about for how long, it's about happening and having the moments, like diamonds, real or made up. In the middle of it, almost end, I had a feeling it wouldn't quite end up the way I pictured it. You know, the standard good ending where Inman, Jude Law's character comes back to Ada, Nicole Kidman's character and they live happily ever after. The ending shortchanged me there, when Inman died anyway but at least, fulfilled and validated and the couple gave birth to a baby girl named Grace Inman. And I really love Renée Zellweger's role in the film (won the Oscars Best Supporting Actress for it!) She was really cool, and her own story to tell in bits and pieces yet with absolute poignancy. She pretended not to care when in truth, she did and a lot. She loved her daddy, saved his life and in the process, her own..It's all in all a good film. You guys should watch it, or better yet, if you are affordable, go get the book and tell me if it's better.

Kudos to Whoever.

Ok, it's that time of year again where I stop and take a bearing and lay appreciation for all those whom I owe it to ( and big time!), and really kinda take a breath.

My life as a student is now seeing its not-so-bright end. I am not going nowhere with my current grades so I can't procrastinate no more and I have to just immerse myself fully into what I call 'the adult working world'. I don't know who I'll turn out to be, good or bad. At least for now, I am feeling ok. Yeah, I am feeling ok. You know, as good as one can be plus exam anxiety.

All right then.

Groupmates and schoolmates and drinking mates and strangers, I love you all and it's beyond any word I could possibly muster with my limited vocabulary. You guys made my world such a pretty picture. We overcame challenges within such short time span, had loads of fun and I was mad and frustrated for the littlest and stupidest things I can no longer bother remembering. I've been less than articulative my entire existence and it's probably my bad. I suck at expressing, especially love and friendship but I'll always, always, with my life be here when you need me. You guys can fucking count on that! I probably seemed nonchalant most of the time or I don't talk as much but I'm right here. Oh, I feel like a good cry, especially the 'love and friendship part'. Haha!! Embarrassing is all.

Anyway, I thank you guys and you guys know who you are, for pulling it through and putting it up with me. I'm really wouldn't be the first to wave and yell 'yes' if I had to bunk in or work with me. You guys are fucking courageous! I'm really just finding this experience a surreal one. I never seemed to believe in anything and I still don't. But you guys made me, trust in having fun in life in the midst of non-funness. I don't wanna say I've been through a lot, because then that will make me sound old when I'm not. But yeah, I'm still working out the kinks of life, trying to fix things, fix me and I will be as good as new in no time.

I have fear, so much of it I'm feeling selfish I can't share it. Haha! If wishes do come true, it will be pretty cool to just stay in school, and be protected from the pains of this world but then again, be careful what you wish for. They don't generally work the way you'd have cared for and often than not, you regret making them. I have simple wishes. I want all whom I have the honor to know and keep, good health, love, inner peace and strength and courage to do whatever they are doing. We better keep in close contact, just to check it the magic is working its all.

I love you guys.

Come Back to Bed

Still is the life
Of your room
When you're not inside
And all of your things
Tell the sweetest storyline

Your tears on these sheets
And your footsteps are down the hall
So tell me what I did
I can't find where the moment went wrong at all

You can be mad in the morning
I'll take back what I said
Just don't leave me alone here
It's cold, baby
Come back to bed
Come on back to bed

What will this fix?
You know you're not a quick forgive
And I won't sleep through this
I survive on the breath you are finished with

You can be mad in the morning
I'll take back what I said
Just don't leave me alone here
It's cold, baby
Come back to bed

You can be mad in the morning
Or the afternoon instead
But don't leave me 98 and 6 degrees of separation from you, baby
Come back to bed
Why don't you come back to bed

Don't hold your love over my head
Don't hold your love...

©John Mayer, Heavier Things~ Track 5, Come Back to Bed ~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqTJv06yuEA

http://www.haoting.com/musiclist/ht_6d4d63af79737cf3.htm