Hope.

Not too long ago, I wanted to die, to hurt myself. I wanted a distraction. I wanted to feel like I was still relevant. Tonight, I pray for faith and courage. I wish I have hope. I wish that my heart no longer breaks whenever I cross the road. I wish I never break another knuckle. I wish for the nightmares to stop, for the voices to cease in my head.

I wish for a crane. It was a doodle in one of the letters. A corner, dog-eared like a surprise. It had simply called out to me, the incessant begging.

"Please, take me with you. I will save your heart."

The voices, they speak to me, like poetry. Am I hearing things? Am I obsessive? Have I made the wrong move? I hope not.

I hope.

Happy 27th Birthday, Liesl

It's supposed to be your birthday today so I thought I write something about it.

Well, first of all, happy 27th birthday. I know it's crazy! Us, in our mid-twenties. What do we know about being adults? I sure as hell don't.

It was a horrible day today. I barely slept the night before. I had to be at work at 7am. I had to make scrambled eggs and pancakes for strangers with happy families and lots of money. I wanted to hide my face, disappear. You would be displeased. I scraped my knuckles from hitting them against the wall today. I wanted to cry so I fought. I wanted to scream out your name so I fought. I wanted to beat the crap out of somebody, anybody so I fought. I fought to remind myself to breathe.

I probably haven't told you this but I got your letters. I'm at Letter 17. I know I weren't supposed to get them. God only knows the effort you have spent concealing them. But they were gifts. They were the stuff I wish I knew before I lost you. They told me things I would have fought for to keep till my last breath. If I had knew what I meant to you, I would have never let you go.

I should have just skipped school that morning. I should have never let you cross that road. I always knew how dangerous it was.

This year, we are celebrating a new tradition. It's called 'finally getting over Liesl.' It does sounds grim but please don't take it personally. We both know how much I crave for you, like a vampire who needs her blood. In the last years, I have decided I have gone through enough. It is silly to continue torturing myself over something we can't change. You are dead and that's that. The universe left me here for a reason. It left me so I could live the dreams we once dreamt of and do the things you always wanted to do. It left me here so I could learn to be brave and strong like you. It left me here so I could learn how to fight the voices in my head that want me to hurt me. Frankly, it wasn't easy at all. After all, I am not you. I am not half as brave and wise as you were.

I recently met somebody. She is every inch, you and it frightens me sometimes how much of you I see in her, the words she used. I would never tell her this because it would then seem as if my concern for her wasn't for her at all but for you instead. That is not true. I genuinely care for her and I sincerely love her. Now I sit around and wait to listen to her. She is saving me with who she is and I thank her for that. She told me she wants to meet you. Maybe she will.

I love you, Liesl. Now, always, forever.

无事生非

客厅里那相片 何时挂回了左边
你没带走的衬衫 被烫过几遍
你一定回来过 潜进这公寓里面
要不然你的指纹 怎会布满杯沿

谁为那鱼缸 换了水
为那盏灯察了灰
到底谁这样鬼祟 照料这一切

你明明就坐在对面
你近得像迫在眉睫
原来是我在无生事非
分不清真实的时间
拆不掉那些画面
你一走 我出现幻觉

我戴上钢盔 在防备 感情留下的炮灰
无孔不入的回忆 却四处繁衍
你明明说下次再会
我明明听见你汗水
谁说是我在捏造是非
只记得幸福曾拜会
忘了忘记那滋味
那是我仅有的抚慰

墙壁上那钟摆 依然滞留在那天
旧回忆一刀未剪 轮回着上演

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Letters, strings and all 17: breathe, tara, breathe

被思念划过的痕迹像藤蔓般缠绕着我的皮肤住了下来
你说偶尔应该把脑袋里堆积已久的回忆拿出来整理一番
把不要的 用不着的通通扔掉
但你早已彻底性地霸占了我身体的每一寸角落
对于想说却还没说出的话题
该做却还没做的事
我没法腾出空位来
不管我如何洗刷都没能完整地将被污染的记忆清洗干净
只见血流不止的双手不停颤抖着
我不晓得对自己做了些什么
耳边忽然传来了命运讽刺的讥笑声而我在眼角捕捉的是死神毫无怜悯却又带着一丝无奈的表情
他用他那深邃神秘的眼神只是静静地望着我
似乎是在等着我如何继续挥霍所剩无几的生命
把我也领走了才算真正完成任务
他俩就这样默默地陪着我在你离开后开心 沮丧 失望 难过 生气 疯狂 妒忌 羡慕和偶尔的醉酒等等等
说起来他们俩还真的是比寂寞更不离不弃的忠实伴侣

现在的你过的是全新的生活
忘了我是理所当然的事
对于我的垂死挣扎当然也毫不理会
我不怪你
我凭什么怪你
我只能怪自己怎么如此不争气 这么我那么窝囊
搞得大家那么不开心
不仅害了你 也弄伤了自己
自以为能感受到的痛楚才是活着的证据
自以为辜负了你对我的期望就等于是爱你的表现
现在你走了还能证明些什么
我不过是个笨蛋

我痛却找不到语言
只好将对你的想念血淋淋一划不漏地刻在纸上身上
想你的时候
在心脏不法负荷的时候
能看到你傻笑 假装生气的样子
多少能让激动的心情平静下来
说我是傻子疯子也好 说我会后悔也罢

十年了
想起的不再是你的离开 怨恨的不是上天的安排
想到的是你带着幸福曾经拜会过我
想到的是你曾经只要轻轻地呼吸 微笑就能点亮我心中每一个火焰
想着你的好 想着你对我对世界的好
偶尔梦到我们那未完成的婚礼还有Alexander脸上的失望误解
被我们再也无法实现的幸福吓醒吓哭

但我想这一切终究会被时间治愈冲淡
对于我们这场未完待续的爱情
我们只能说它完美的像一种遗憾
垂手可得地像天上的星星般
凄美地让原本是陌生人的我们明白什么叫彻底地心碎
我终于了解了什么是幸福
什么是失去
也学会什么叫原谅 什么叫对生命的一切无奈与不幸释怀
或许我们会再次相见吧
再次教会彼此什么才是爱。

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<<是时候>>

害怕看见 你骤变的脸
也不想理解 失温的语言
是时侯 该转身就走
从此放弃我们渴望的永久

不想承认 你还出现梦中
温暖安慰我
即使一秒钟 也难承受

我多恨自己轻易地放开手
以为能承受 还能从容不迫
坚强不是我 想要的解脱
假装能好好过

害怕察觉 你分心的眼
不想再争辩 你说的谎言
是时候 就放手
谁能够

我多恨自己就这样让你走
以为很潇脱 以为这是温柔
却忘了你和我 一样脆弱
一样的难过

多希望自己就这样松开手
一切很潇脱 好好看你走
坚强该是我 给你的自由
还能做什么

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161084 - 070502

As above.
As loved.

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he, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee

hey guys

This one's been a long time coming and I do, on some level, feel guilt for not having done this until now. It has been eight years and I think I've waited long enough. I don't know if you guys know what the blog title 'he, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee' means but if you guys could just hop online to some translation websites, it should more or less tell you that it meant 'hey, i owe you coffee' very loosely in German.

As you know, my ex-better half was German and the words literally begun what I still believe to be an utterly surreal and ridiculously blessed life. I still feel like a stranger looking in from the fringe of life yearning when I know I had everything anyone could have ever asked for in my hand. 'He, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee" had been my lucky charm for two, almost three years and after all that we and I have been through, I sincerely wish that this lucky charm continues to shine its light on me.

For a long time, I was happy. I have felt, heard and seen and experienced life and love and I knew what contentment is. Heck, I have even almost gotten married. I was so deliriously happy that every cell and molecule in my body got used to it that when I lost it all, I could no longer function. I've stopped living, stopped breathing and stopped everything. I didn't know who I was, I still don't. I just wanted to get on with life so I could die. As I would so much quote a friend's words, "I am merely a machine who has no place on this Earth if I don't start living again. I have no rights to be taking up oxygen and space from someone who is actually passionate about life and love,". Well, the good news is, I don't wanna be a machine anymore. I don't wanna miss out on on all the new perspectives/opportunities life may throw me just because I am a 16-year-old loser. I'm done hurting. I'm done tearing. I'm done being pathetic. I wanna start living again and for the right reasons. And I want that for the people I love. I want them to be happy, to feel loved and learn how to love. I hope this is one entry you read, Cart because this is for you.

Perhaps I would bump into someone new on the way to the coffee shop or even the tattoo parlor. I could meet someone new over dinner or at work. I could accidentally stepped on someone's toe, etc. The list goes on. The bottom line is, I don't have to be unhappy. Life offers one choices. At the same time, it offers one many perspectives/angles to the same thing. While 'He, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee' had once meant my life and love for Tara, it could also mean starting life on a fresh start. Don't get me wrong. I still love Tara and I know a part of me will ALWAYS love her but it's time I put her aside and share what she has taught me with someone else. Someone special. Someone who's gonna teach me new things about life and love, just like Tara had once mentored me. Now, why would anyone wanna shut their hearts to that?

Smile and wish me luck!