Hope.

Not too long ago, I wanted to die, to hurt myself. I wanted a distraction. I wanted to feel like I was still relevant. Tonight, I pray for faith and courage. I wish I have hope. I wish that my heart no longer breaks whenever I cross the road. I wish I never break another knuckle. I wish for the nightmares to stop, for the voices to cease in my head.

I wish for a crane. It was a doodle in one of the letters. A corner, dog-eared like a surprise. It had simply called out to me, the incessant begging.

"Please, take me with you. I will save your heart."

The voices, they speak to me, like poetry. Am I hearing things? Am I obsessive? Have I made the wrong move? I hope not.

I hope.

Happy 27th Birthday, Liesl

It's supposed to be your birthday today so I thought I write something about it.

Well, first of all, happy 27th birthday. I know it's crazy! Us, in our mid-twenties. What do we know about being adults? I sure as hell don't.

It was a horrible day today. I barely slept the night before. I had to be at work at 7am. I had to make scrambled eggs and pancakes for strangers with happy families and lots of money. I wanted to hide my face, disappear. You would be displeased. I scraped my knuckles from hitting them against the wall today. I wanted to cry so I fought. I wanted to scream out your name so I fought. I wanted to beat the crap out of somebody, anybody so I fought. I fought to remind myself to breathe.

I probably haven't told you this but I got your letters. I'm at Letter 17. I know I weren't supposed to get them. God only knows the effort you have spent concealing them. But they were gifts. They were the stuff I wish I knew before I lost you. They told me things I would have fought for to keep till my last breath. If I had knew what I meant to you, I would have never let you go.

I should have just skipped school that morning. I should have never let you cross that road. I always knew how dangerous it was.

This year, we are celebrating a new tradition. It's called 'finally getting over Liesl.' It does sounds grim but please don't take it personally. We both know how much I crave for you, like a vampire who needs her blood. In the last years, I have decided I have gone through enough. It is silly to continue torturing myself over something we can't change. You are dead and that's that. The universe left me here for a reason. It left me so I could live the dreams we once dreamt of and do the things you always wanted to do. It left me here so I could learn to be brave and strong like you. It left me here so I could learn how to fight the voices in my head that want me to hurt me. Frankly, it wasn't easy at all. After all, I am not you. I am not half as brave and wise as you were.

I recently met somebody. She is every inch, you and it frightens me sometimes how much of you I see in her, the words she used. I would never tell her this because it would then seem as if my concern for her wasn't for her at all but for you instead. That is not true. I genuinely care for her and I sincerely love her. Now I sit around and wait to listen to her. She is saving me with who she is and I thank her for that. She told me she wants to meet you. Maybe she will.

I love you, Liesl. Now, always, forever.