This one's been a long time coming and I do, on some level, feel guilt for not having done this until now. It has been eight years and I think I've waited long enough. I don't know if you guys know what the blog title 'he, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee' means but if you guys could just hop online to some translation websites, it should more or less tell you that it meant 'hey, i owe you coffee' very loosely in German.
As you know, my ex-better half was German and the words literally begun what I still believe to be an utterly surreal and ridiculously blessed life. I still feel like a stranger looking in from the fringe of life yearning when I know I had everything anyone could have ever asked for in my hand. 'He, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee" had been my lucky charm for two, almost three years and after all that we and I have been through, I sincerely wish that this lucky charm continues to shine its light on me.
For a long time, I was happy. I have felt, heard and seen and experienced life and love and I knew what contentment is. Heck, I have even almost gotten married. I was so deliriously happy that every cell and molecule in my body got used to it that when I lost it all, I could no longer function. I've stopped living, stopped breathing and stopped everything. I didn't know who I was, I still don't. I just wanted to get on with life so I could die. As I would so much quote a friend's words, "I am merely a machine who has no place on this Earth if I don't start living again. I have no rights to be taking up oxygen and space from someone who is actually passionate about life and love,". Well, the good news is, I don't wanna be a machine anymore. I don't wanna miss out on on all the new perspectives/opportunities life may throw me just because I am a 16-year-old loser. I'm done hurting. I'm done tearing. I'm done being pathetic. I wanna start living again and for the right reasons. And I want that for the people I love. I want them to be happy, to feel loved and learn how to love. I hope this is one entry you read, Cart because this is for you.
Perhaps I would bump into someone new on the way to the coffee shop or even the tattoo parlor. I could meet someone new over dinner or at work. I could accidentally stepped on someone's toe, etc. The list goes on. The bottom line is, I don't have to be unhappy. Life offers one choices. At the same time, it offers one many perspectives/angles to the same thing. While 'He, verdanke ich lhnen Kaffee' had once meant my life and love for Tara, it could also mean starting life on a fresh start. Don't get me wrong. I still love Tara and I know a part of me will ALWAYS love her but it's time I put her aside and share what she has taught me with someone else. Someone special. Someone who's gonna teach me new things about life and love, just like Tara had once mentored me. Now, why would anyone wanna shut their hearts to that?
Smile and wish me luck!
