I remembered the date. It was October 16, 2000, just after 8. I often joke that when we first locked eyes, you have taken my breath away and after that you give it back. And it was when I've truly taken my first breath. I remembered that vividly because I could barely stand. The world had slipped from under my feet and I felt faint.
The next time we met, I was so head over heels in love with you I suddenly remember what it meant to be brave. I forgot what pain is. You've opened my eyes to possibilities I never knew existed. You called it 'magic.'
We met again, this time I had a book in hand and my face dropped to an unnatural angle by the couch in the cafe. You caught me after a late night and boy, was I glad I stayed.
You talked about wanting a place of your own and I thought why not. I've got just the perfect place for you - my heart. Feel free to stay as long as you want. It's rent-free, just as long as you never leave and true enough, you held on to your end of the bargain and you never did and I don't want you to ever.
A string of 'firsts' shortly unfolded, the first page of our history made. Our first kiss in the subway, much to the disgust and annoyance of the people who stared. Our first Valentine's Day when we did nothing but spent the entire day in bed, giggling like absolute retards and staring into each other's eyes. I memorized every freckle on your perfect face that day and pointed out every shade of blue I can.
The first time you fell ill from being drenched in the rain and the first time you told me about your brother and dad, you asked if I could stay the night 'cause you could not bear to be alone. You were trying so hard to remain strong and I knew from that moment on, I wanted to be the one who keeps you warm for the rest of your nights.
The first time I heard you call my name, it was so bizarre and strange but I knew I wanted to hear nothing else. I have become deaf because of you and I probably still am.
The first time we argued and I made you cry, I didn't think I could do that. I thought I could die and it wasn't exaggerated. How could I be the same person who loved you so damn much and be the one to inflict so much pain? We broke up that day.
For the rest of the month, I had my game face on and pretended I didn't care. I pretended I could still function even though every cell in my body protested and showed me otherwise. I hear your name being whispered into my ears every waking second. I was an idiot then. I should have known that no one can and will ever fill the craters you have left.
You begun to systematically carve my face into pages, which you left in a metal case behind some old cassettes. You thought they could remain hidden. You had been naive. Alexander found them and gave them to me. It was mine to keep, it seems and later, the perfect gift to keep me walking on my feet.
I had no intentions of letting you go. I wanted you back. It was simple but so hard to accomplish. You were faraway and I had been a liar. I had been a jerk and in many ways, undeserving of your love. But I still want you.
and I want you more than I should. I want it bad. I was suffering from withdrawals and it was as bad as denying a junkie her poisonous jabs.
I came to you late one night with my heart in my hands. I might as well have gotten down on my knees and begged and I would have. I would do just about anything for you. Just ask.
I told you I've changed. For the best. I told you I love you and I'll forever do. I want you to believe my words. I have proven over the past month with concrete actions. And I saw tears formed in the blue of your eyes. It was happy tears this time and I was beyond elated.
Having you back in my arms in a bed we once shared, I thought I was dreaming or thrust into a different reality. I remembered saying just before I fell asleep:
"DON'T YOU DARE FUCK ME LIKE THIS IF YOU AIN'T STAYING."
And your response?
"'LEIGH, WILL YOU MARRY ME? THAT WAY, I NEVER HAD TO LEAVE."
"I would have married you a thousand times, a million if not enough."
But the next morning, you left anyway.
You had to die and that couldn't wait.
Till this day, I wondered and remained haunted by the same string of questions I know I'd never get answers for:
"Would you still have died if you didn't come back to me?"
"Could I have done something else? Could I have been faster or smarter?"
"What if that son-of-a-bitch, the waste of a human being hadn't drink and speed? And ran after hit?"
"Could I have taken your place instead?"
I don't know and I'll never know.
It's Valentine's Day today and I just wanted to seek solace. Just a temporary escape. It sure beats getting high on potent painkillers or getting drunk by the road side. I'm sure you would agree.
So here's to you, my past love,
Happy Valentine's Day.
