When I am finally completed, I will be hollow.
Hollow, when I am finally filled.
I am in a state of denial, a state of hurt and a state of disorientation. Where is that rapture of light that would give me clarity? I don't know what I am doing, I am irrational and unpredictable like a bomb just waiting to explode. I seemed to be doing all that I can to push people away. I am doing all that I can to isolate and cut myself off and I don't know why. I am typing aimlessly. I am walking aimlessly, waiting for something to pick me up and throw me against a wall so I'd finally feel what it's like to be living. To actually be living and breathing and laughing and to cry. I am waiting to live so I could die.
I have sat the letters down and put them aside along with my past so I could lie to myself. "I am not thinking about her. I am not thinking about her. I am not thinking about her.." I am heading for a breakdown.
Why am I still here? Why haven't I found the silver lining of it all and grab it with my two hands so I could draw blood? "NO ONE GIVES A FUCKING SHIT WHAT YOU FEEL, ASSHOLE! DON'T YOU GET IT?"
What do I feel now, I can't even put in words. People ask, how are you doing today? And I say, splendid, never better, without breaking into a sweat when deep inside, I can't stop trembling with fear of the knowing and not knowing. I wanna wrap myself into a ball and stay curled up all day and not think about anything and everything. I wanna go to bed and not find it a challenge, a fight because I know I will surrender myself without question.
It is just a detour. I will get myself back on track. I will love myself and embrace my negativity as tight as my virtues. I will not think. I will not overthink. I will breath. And I shall love. And LIVE.
Take a deep breath and smile.
