Shamelessly overwhelmed with fatigue and fear, I grabbed at invisible straws last night and I've done and said things I am not entirely proud of. I let loose my demons and insecurities, its impact like aggressive water droplets hitting against the hard and torn pavement in a stormy night. I am guilty as charged, Sir.
I've pulled the plug, putting it off, for now anyway. The Greek trip that has got into my poor head, steering me like a ghostly possession. I've always wanted what I call 'good changes' but these changes come hefty, in the literal sense and not...I need to get myself back together. I am not sick, I am not frightening and I won't be compared with anyone else either.
I love her. I used to love her. She has hurt me. She used to hurt me. I never quite understood our relationship. Sometimes, you would scream to get her just to look at you for you are. You know you can't live without her, even though she doesn't feel the same for you. You would jumped in to block an incoming bullet in your heart, but she doesn't quite give a fuck about it. And sometimes, it's ok for her to be who and how she is. On most times, none of us really don't have the slightest fucking clue what you want.
I am not J and I will never be him. You have long disappeared round that bend a long time ago. I make it that way so the voice would stop, the pain would go away. I do not desire you with an undying flame ignited by passion and love. The color is a freezing blue now. I just need to be near you, to be of some significance to you, however small. I am putting myself in your path so you can kill me. Or lift me, depending on how things panned out. I will see you one day.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
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